February 14, 2007
Being Single in a Couple's World
It's Valentine's Day once again.
And once again, I find myself dodging questions about why I am single, unattached, and not looking. It seems as though everyone (except me) is worried that I am still single when I am fast approaching that time when my age will no longer be on the calendar.
I am constantly reminded that time is running out... That I should get married... That I shouldn't be too picky... That I am in danger of growing old alone... That I should get married soon or else no once will take care of me.
Frankly, being single is fast becoming a source of stress for me... More than the stress of my work as a Emergency physician where I deal with dying patients, demanding relatives, bleeding wounds, crying babies, and doctors who think I know nothing. I'm stressed not because time is running out and I may grow old alone. I am stressed because it seems my civil status is stressing everyone else around me.
I could of course give a myriad of reasons why I am currently single-- my job, traumatic previous relationships, circumstance, psychological incapacity, genetics... But no matter what I say, it seems the people around me are rushing about to find the one for me. I cannot count the times I have made excuses or gotten sick on purpose just to get out of having to meet a guy someone is pushing on me. It has even gotten to the point where I have people questioning my sexual orientation. To which I always say, "I have nothing against gays. In fact, I have close gay and lesbian friends. I do prefer guys... I'm just NOT looking for a guy RIGHT now."
Right now, I have a demanding job as a physician while pursuing a master's degree. But I find them both fulfilling. I prefer to just stay at home after work or class to sleep, eat, and surf the net. I earn enough right now to be comfortable. I am able to buy what I need and occasionally, even the luxuries that I want. I can travel to another country at the drop of a hat without having to feel guilty about raiding the family coffers. In theory, I am answerable to no one (well, except maybe my parents).
I don't see why people are worried about me. My finances are in order. I am investing my earnings smartly. I am saving for my own house and car. I am covered by insurance. I even have a retirement plan in place at my age of 30 years. Granted, I have yet to get a memorial plan... But still, how many people can say that they have planned for their future? For that matter, how many married couples out there are prepared for retirement?
The bottom line is-- I cannot see why people are pushing me to get married to the next heterosexual male who comes my way.
Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against marriage. At one point in my life, I was even prepared to give up my religion, my family, my career, and my friends for a man that I loved. I was ready to raise our children the way he wanted. It simply was not meant to be. I am not actively running away from a relationship. Nor do I hate men with a vengeance. Albeit, once when I was asked, "Is it because you feel unworthy of being loved?" I had to look away.
The reason I am single is simple. Nowadays, as a female, I can earn enough to support myself. I am not equivalent to a piece of property without its own identity. I don't need a man to complete me. I am complete being myself. I am in my comfort zone.
Perhaps I should take heart in what this widow told me several months ago, "Don't get married because you don't want to die alone. Don't get married because you want children to take care of you when you are old. Look at me, I was married once. Now that I am old, my husband is dead. My children are grown up and have lives of their own. It would be unfair to demand that they stop living their lives to take care of me. I am single again. I take care of myself."
I've transformed her words into my own mantra-- I am single. I can take care of myself.
If couple-hood is in my future, I will certainly welcome it with open arms. I would like to think that I am one complete person who deserves another complete person. I am not an emotional cripple looking for another half-person so I can pretend to be whole.
Right here and right now, I am single and I can take care of myself.
It's Valentine's Day once again.
And once again, I find myself dodging questions about why I am single, unattached, and not looking. It seems as though everyone (except me) is worried that I am still single when I am fast approaching that time when my age will no longer be on the calendar.
I am constantly reminded that time is running out... That I should get married... That I shouldn't be too picky... That I am in danger of growing old alone... That I should get married soon or else no once will take care of me.
Frankly, being single is fast becoming a source of stress for me... More than the stress of my work as a Emergency physician where I deal with dying patients, demanding relatives, bleeding wounds, crying babies, and doctors who think I know nothing. I'm stressed not because time is running out and I may grow old alone. I am stressed because it seems my civil status is stressing everyone else around me.
I could of course give a myriad of reasons why I am currently single-- my job, traumatic previous relationships, circumstance, psychological incapacity, genetics... But no matter what I say, it seems the people around me are rushing about to find the one for me. I cannot count the times I have made excuses or gotten sick on purpose just to get out of having to meet a guy someone is pushing on me. It has even gotten to the point where I have people questioning my sexual orientation. To which I always say, "I have nothing against gays. In fact, I have close gay and lesbian friends. I do prefer guys... I'm just NOT looking for a guy RIGHT now."
Right now, I have a demanding job as a physician while pursuing a master's degree. But I find them both fulfilling. I prefer to just stay at home after work or class to sleep, eat, and surf the net. I earn enough right now to be comfortable. I am able to buy what I need and occasionally, even the luxuries that I want. I can travel to another country at the drop of a hat without having to feel guilty about raiding the family coffers. In theory, I am answerable to no one (well, except maybe my parents).
I don't see why people are worried about me. My finances are in order. I am investing my earnings smartly. I am saving for my own house and car. I am covered by insurance. I even have a retirement plan in place at my age of 30 years. Granted, I have yet to get a memorial plan... But still, how many people can say that they have planned for their future? For that matter, how many married couples out there are prepared for retirement?
The bottom line is-- I cannot see why people are pushing me to get married to the next heterosexual male who comes my way.
Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against marriage. At one point in my life, I was even prepared to give up my religion, my family, my career, and my friends for a man that I loved. I was ready to raise our children the way he wanted. It simply was not meant to be. I am not actively running away from a relationship. Nor do I hate men with a vengeance. Albeit, once when I was asked, "Is it because you feel unworthy of being loved?" I had to look away.
The reason I am single is simple. Nowadays, as a female, I can earn enough to support myself. I am not equivalent to a piece of property without its own identity. I don't need a man to complete me. I am complete being myself. I am in my comfort zone.
Perhaps I should take heart in what this widow told me several months ago, "Don't get married because you don't want to die alone. Don't get married because you want children to take care of you when you are old. Look at me, I was married once. Now that I am old, my husband is dead. My children are grown up and have lives of their own. It would be unfair to demand that they stop living their lives to take care of me. I am single again. I take care of myself."
I've transformed her words into my own mantra-- I am single. I can take care of myself.
If couple-hood is in my future, I will certainly welcome it with open arms. I would like to think that I am one complete person who deserves another complete person. I am not an emotional cripple looking for another half-person so I can pretend to be whole.
Right here and right now, I am single and I can take care of myself.
posted by fay gloria @ 5:59 AM
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